User talk:IAmInvisus
Welcome Hi, welcome to Creepypasta Wiki! Thanks for your edit to the This is my first horror story so please read w that in mind page. Please be sure to read all of the Site Rules, as it is important to follow them. Failure to abide by them may result in your account being blocked. Read some new pastas by checking out or browse by topic by checking out the Genre Listing. Please leave a message on my talk page if I can help with anything! ClericofMadness (talk) 01:56, June 12, 2017 (UTC) EmpyrealInvective (talk) 02:02, June 12, 2017 (UTC) Re: Story It was deleted because it failed to meet the quality standards for the site. It's a massive paragraph (60+ sentences long), has capitalization ("know. 6 Orphans lied strapped to the floor (also how exactly are they strapped to the floor?).", "But im no cannibal, those people are deranged you know?", "ago.I lost all control. I shredded his daughter(')s insides with the excitement of a child opening their present on christmas (Christmas).", etc.), punctuation ("I couldn(apostrophe missing)t help but giggle as I felt my instinct react to the view.", "But i(apostrophe missing)m no cannibal, those people are deranged you know?", "As the blood oozed from the indent in the middle of her cavity I could hardly call a chest chest(sic, also comma missing) I lost it.", etc.), wording (Awkward wording. "I saw her eyes start to open too!", "I needed to pace (myself).", "As the blood oozed from the indent in the middle of her cavity I could hardly call a chest chest I lost it.", "I felt my instinct react to the view.", etc.), as well as quite a lot of plot issues here. Starting with the basics, a lot of the descriptive factors here need re-tooling as they feel ineffective. It feels like you're torn between describing something as visceral as possible and working in more advanced prose. "As the blood oozed from the indent in the middle of her cavity I could hardly call a chest chest I lost it." and "From a mouth with orifices of indented teeth, nothingness and blood I heard a deformed attempt from the man trying to say please." are examples. The switch from visceral descriptions to more flowery writing also feels out of place and really weakens what I think you're going for (A "Maniac"/"Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer"-style story). Story issues cont.: Without any real backstory, a lot of the violence feels thrown in for shock value. It doesn't really work in this sense as the audience knows none of these characters and really has no connection to the protagonist either. As such, it feels more like a supercut of a gory exploitation movie rather than the movie itself which gives the audience a reason to become more invested in the characters (whether it's to get insight into dysfunction or feel the pathos of the characters and their situation). Additionally the plot feels really rushed here. If we're to understand, the protagonist chose this family to satisfy their bloodlust, but other than that there's really no sense of build-up or tension here. It just comes off like a gory scene for the sake of it rather than an attempt at telling a story effectively. Feel free to look over more NSFW stories like The Gym Teacher if you're looking for more examples of how this type of horror can be done more effectively. EmpyrealInvective (talk) 02:23, June 12, 2017 (UTC)